Life of a LC

The mall, a simi-dreaded place

// December 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // Life, Love Version 1, Memories, Stress

I find myself standing in the mall again. Pondering my past all over again. My mind settling on our last anniversary. As I start wondering past stores, I pass all the ones she enjoyed. Bed Bath and Beyond, hot topic, Kay’s, Claire’s… With each store I pass, I begin to feel worse and worse as memories come flooding back, both the good and the bad… I suppose in a way it was the beginning of the end, I just didn’t know it at the time.

At the time I thought it was a great idea that would help hold us together, but as my gift to her, I gave her $250 in a gift card and $50 in cash. No one knew what I got her except her mom and I never planed on letting on. I know that my family would go nuts about that. I still feel that my heart was in the right place, just not at the right time so to speak…

To this day I still wish I would have given in sooner than I did. I kept trying to hold our relationship together with everything I could while she let it fall apart. It was that night I began to realize there was no hope. I was young and stupid (now I’m just young) and I had it in my head that you can make the first relationship last no matter what. My mom and dad where high school sweethearts and I know a few people that are still together from freshmen year till now which is about 5 years. But this night, like all the rest, was planned out by me. As it happened that weekend was the Riley county fair in Manhattan. I thought, ok, go out to a fancy dinner (another stupid move on my part, but I do recommend Harry’s in Manhattan), hit the fair for the rest of the evening, and the mall for a bit. Well we got to eat but just after we got to the fair it started to storm so we spent the evening wondering around the mall. As I watched her spend her money all on one store. Then I gave her the $50 and she spent it somewhere else. All I got was a thank you and a hug, not so much as a kiss… That’s when I realized we were on the slippery downward run. Not more than a week later we broke up over the phone after 2 years. It was a Wed and I had work the next day. I called her several times and she told me she wanted to see me but she couldn’t make time. She was at a friends house and didn’t want to leave even though she wanted to see me and we had no idea when I’d have time to see her again. I finally snapped, I was through making time for her, rearranging my stuff, when she never did.

Through out that 2 year span we had some good times, I remember my/our first kiss, the first fair ride I ever rode thanks to her, the first time I threw up because of a fair ride thanks to her. Even though I ended up getting her a pair of ear rings, necklace and heart pendent, a new necklace, a promise ring (I did get that back and it’s sitting on my shelf as a reminder), and $300 in cash. Depending on my mood I’ll hate myself for spending that much on her and days I’ll look back fondly on the memories that came from them. Hard to believe it all came down to one phone call… Oh and did I mention she had a new boyfriend with the same first name as me within two days of breaking up with me?

TheLC

The First Step Part 2.

// August 28th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Experience, Life, Realizations, Stress

As I sit here tonight, My mind drifts from topic to topic, thought to thought, idea to idea… Almost feels like I can’t focus.

Even though I’ve only had three secessions so far I am beginning to feel a world better. I’m no where near ready to do anything outside my normal routine but its a start. It seems like we have a good idea of whats “wrong” with me. I got to thinking the other night about things and was able to focus on it. I figured something out…I treat life like a profession. Everything has to be professional in some way or it just seems wrong. I got it growing up. I had no true friends till high school. I was always with my parents or grandparents and I always got a “professional” vibe from them. That’s why I thrived in woodshop, ag class, and working on the stage in high school. It was in some form a profession. In wood shop working with the CNC, I had a deadline and something that needed done, it was the same in ag with our teacher, and working with the stage area. I realized my only friends I have I got after forming some bond with them professionally. Two from wood shop and two from ag.

Now what set me on this tangent… A while back there was a street dance and rodeo in the local town. Well I went to see how things were going and check on the fire station. While I was down there I saw plenty of people my age doing fun loving, random things like teens do. The first thing that came to mind? They need to grow up…The more I thought about it, the more I realized that its not them that really need to grow up, it was me that need to become a kid again. The more we got to talking at the last secession, the more I realized that I didn’t really have a childhood, I never really did anything fun or care free. No matter how hard I try, I can’t think of anything before high school where I had fun or did anything random. If I went anywhere with mom and dad it was cool but didn’t really seem like “normal” fun. If it was with the grandparents it was some form of museum.

So that’s it for now I guess,

TheLC

P.S. To toughs of you that have been there for me, and have helped me. I wish there was something I could do to show how much it means to me. Thank you.

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Now I feel a need to say this on some off chance that you may be reading this but I’m not sure if this affected our relationship or not but I do know it affected how I treated you after we broke up. I tried to make it seem like you caused all of this when in reality you were only a small factor and I’m sorry for that.

The First Step Is Always The Hardest…

// August 28th, 2009 // No Comments » // Experience, Life, Realizations, Stress

What you are about to read, I was working on writing two nights ago before I had a mild panic attack. I couldn’t write after that. I’ll have a different post that explains more.

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It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe, taking that first step. Whether it’s to quit an addiction, admit something you’ve tried to bury and hid from yourself, admit how you feel about someone and/or yourself. The list of first steps is as long as it is varied.

I’ve taken the first steps to tell someone how I felt, to disagree with someone with more “authority” than myself, to learn something new, and now to admit what I’ve been trying to hide from myself for so long. This coming Wednesday will be my third visit to my therapist. The first step for this was a total breakdown like I haven’t had in a long time, and it hurt. The first visit was nerve racking and the last one was a bit better.

Now even though I’ve only been twice I’ve finally been able to admit some things to myself, as unpleasant as it is to do. For as long as I can remember, I have never really felt secure with who I was/am. I can’t tell you the last time I looked in a mirror other than to shave. If I see a picture of myself I always think it’s terrible and look away as fast as I can… The only friends I’ve made are due to being forced to either have classes with them or work with them. I’ve never made any friends “on my own” so to speak. After I was able to admit that to myself I realized two things. 1. Ashleigh didn’t cause this, she may have been a factor in it becoming so bad I don’t do anything outside of home, going to class, and doing things with the family. And 2. that this was due in part to how I was raised.

Yes I’m still here and deeper in it than ever…

// August 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // A step back, Experience, Life, Love Version 1, Stress, Week

I know I’ve been away for awhile. Part of the problem is my insomnia and the other is not having much motivation.

Anyway. As normal (if you can call it that), I’m back to the past coming back to bite me in a big way. I’m going to do a quick run down of things tonight and explain more later… First 2 weeks ago, I get an instant message from my ex with just “hi” and nothing since. It made me come close to throwing up. Next, We go back to the ranch I met her at and I was going nuts with fear, lucky she wasn’t there. Went back tonight and found an old crush now working for room and bored there. So I trade one ex for one old flame that treated me as bad, and to make it all worse. Shes into me, she was obvious about it and we hadn’t seen each other for about two years now. Then on the way home she texts me and tells me as much but hopes it will not affect out friendship. For being almost a hermit, I can find a good bit of drama…

The we have to do most of our hay here at the house in square bales and one knotter on the baler only works about 50% of the time. I’ve blown one o-ring out 3 times on the skid loader, turns out we were using the wrong one. I still have no job and I feel bad about it. I’m still freaking out about the Worlds Of Fun trip next weekend. And now I feel a bit better because I got all that out of my system…

I promise that I’ll have more this week.

TheLC

An open book?

// July 11th, 2009 // No Comments » // Family, Life, Love Version 1, Stress

I’m making a mess of things for myself. I used to think at one point, that I was rather good at hiding how I thought until I decided to let on. Turns out I’m more of an open book to family and close friends…

Now I’ll admit that it can be a good thing, but there is one case where it isn’t. I have this cousin on my mom’s side of the family. My mom’s brother’s wife had a kid with a guy in high school before she met my uncle. Well her daughter was adopted by her dad and step mom and was raised as her sister. So in no way am I directly related to her, only by marriage. Well my cousin is a year younger than me and , I have feelings for her. I don’t mind the feelings as much as the fact that mom and dad good naturedly pick on me about flirting with her.

Now if you’ve been able to keep up so far, my aunt and uncle invited me to a theme park with them and possibly my cousin. There are two problems with this: 1) I’m getting this stupid feeling that they may be trying to set me up with her. 2) I’ll have no distractions to help avoid my feelings toward her. 3) I hate roller coasters.

For #1 I just get the paranoia feeling because my mom and dad know I like her, and they do try to push me into talking to her more than normal, etc. For #2, most of the time I’m around her I’d have something else other than just her to focus on which would help me ignore the feelings I have for her. And #3, It doesn’t take much to make me sick…

Now you may be wondering why I don’t just tell her how I feel, well I have a feeling that she will only see me as a cousin even though there is no blood relation between us, and I don’t want to make a mess of the family…

So what are your thoughts, any and all are welcome…
TheLC