Life of a LC

The mall, a simi-dreaded place

// December 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // Life, Love Version 1, Memories, Stress

I find myself standing in the mall again. Pondering my past all over again. My mind settling on our last anniversary. As I start wondering past stores, I pass all the ones she enjoyed. Bed Bath and Beyond, hot topic, Kay’s, Claire’s… With each store I pass, I begin to feel worse and worse as memories come flooding back, both the good and the bad… I suppose in a way it was the beginning of the end, I just didn’t know it at the time.

At the time I thought it was a great idea that would help hold us together, but as my gift to her, I gave her $250 in a gift card and $50 in cash. No one knew what I got her except her mom and I never planed on letting on. I know that my family would go nuts about that. I still feel that my heart was in the right place, just not at the right time so to speak…

To this day I still wish I would have given in sooner than I did. I kept trying to hold our relationship together with everything I could while she let it fall apart. It was that night I began to realize there was no hope. I was young and stupid (now I’m just young) and I had it in my head that you can make the first relationship last no matter what. My mom and dad where high school sweethearts and I know a few people that are still together from freshmen year till now which is about 5 years. But this night, like all the rest, was planned out by me. As it happened that weekend was the Riley county fair in Manhattan. I thought, ok, go out to a fancy dinner (another stupid move on my part, but I do recommend Harry’s in Manhattan), hit the fair for the rest of the evening, and the mall for a bit. Well we got to eat but just after we got to the fair it started to storm so we spent the evening wondering around the mall. As I watched her spend her money all on one store. Then I gave her the $50 and she spent it somewhere else. All I got was a thank you and a hug, not so much as a kiss… That’s when I realized we were on the slippery downward run. Not more than a week later we broke up over the phone after 2 years. It was a Wed and I had work the next day. I called her several times and she told me she wanted to see me but she couldn’t make time. She was at a friends house and didn’t want to leave even though she wanted to see me and we had no idea when I’d have time to see her again. I finally snapped, I was through making time for her, rearranging my stuff, when she never did.

Through out that 2 year span we had some good times, I remember my/our first kiss, the first fair ride I ever rode thanks to her, the first time I threw up because of a fair ride thanks to her. Even though I ended up getting her a pair of ear rings, necklace and heart pendent, a new necklace, a promise ring (I did get that back and it’s sitting on my shelf as a reminder), and $300 in cash. Depending on my mood I’ll hate myself for spending that much on her and days I’ll look back fondly on the memories that came from them. Hard to believe it all came down to one phone call… Oh and did I mention she had a new boyfriend with the same first name as me within two days of breaking up with me?

TheLC

Yes I’m still here and deeper in it than ever…

// August 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // A step back, Experience, Life, Love Version 1, Stress, Week

I know I’ve been away for awhile. Part of the problem is my insomnia and the other is not having much motivation.

Anyway. As normal (if you can call it that), I’m back to the past coming back to bite me in a big way. I’m going to do a quick run down of things tonight and explain more later… First 2 weeks ago, I get an instant message from my ex with just “hi” and nothing since. It made me come close to throwing up. Next, We go back to the ranch I met her at and I was going nuts with fear, lucky she wasn’t there. Went back tonight and found an old crush now working for room and bored there. So I trade one ex for one old flame that treated me as bad, and to make it all worse. Shes into me, she was obvious about it and we hadn’t seen each other for about two years now. Then on the way home she texts me and tells me as much but hopes it will not affect out friendship. For being almost a hermit, I can find a good bit of drama…

The we have to do most of our hay here at the house in square bales and one knotter on the baler only works about 50% of the time. I’ve blown one o-ring out 3 times on the skid loader, turns out we were using the wrong one. I still have no job and I feel bad about it. I’m still freaking out about the Worlds Of Fun trip next weekend. And now I feel a bit better because I got all that out of my system…

I promise that I’ll have more this week.

TheLC

Young Love…

// July 11th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Family, Life, Love Version 1, Photos

Yet again another sleepless Friday night. So while it tries to storm I’m here writing, trying to clear my head.
I suppose that first I should mention some good news. We are finally done with newborn calves for the year. We pulled the last one on Monday.

Now on to the clutter in my mind. The other day I had someone tell me that for as young as I am I’ve been having a rough time in the love department. Well he was right but what most people don’t realize is that in a small way I’ve had it easy. It’s not uncommon these days for freshmen in high school to have either a boy/girlfriend. I had a friend in high school that was the same grade as myself, good guy, but he went about a month with one girl before someone would “stir the pot” and they would break up. He’d be heartbroke for a week before dating his last ex’s friend. This would go on between 3 or 4 girls. Now that is on the extreme side of things but it helps show the fact that younger teens are starting to look for what they think love is way earlier than they used to. If it’s a good or bad thing I’m not sure and I’m not going to guess.

TheLC

An open book?

// July 11th, 2009 // No Comments » // Family, Life, Love Version 1, Stress

I’m making a mess of things for myself. I used to think at one point, that I was rather good at hiding how I thought until I decided to let on. Turns out I’m more of an open book to family and close friends…

Now I’ll admit that it can be a good thing, but there is one case where it isn’t. I have this cousin on my mom’s side of the family. My mom’s brother’s wife had a kid with a guy in high school before she met my uncle. Well her daughter was adopted by her dad and step mom and was raised as her sister. So in no way am I directly related to her, only by marriage. Well my cousin is a year younger than me and , I have feelings for her. I don’t mind the feelings as much as the fact that mom and dad good naturedly pick on me about flirting with her.

Now if you’ve been able to keep up so far, my aunt and uncle invited me to a theme park with them and possibly my cousin. There are two problems with this: 1) I’m getting this stupid feeling that they may be trying to set me up with her. 2) I’ll have no distractions to help avoid my feelings toward her. 3) I hate roller coasters.

For #1 I just get the paranoia feeling because my mom and dad know I like her, and they do try to push me into talking to her more than normal, etc. For #2, most of the time I’m around her I’d have something else other than just her to focus on which would help me ignore the feelings I have for her. And #3, It doesn’t take much to make me sick…

Now you may be wondering why I don’t just tell her how I feel, well I have a feeling that she will only see me as a cousin even though there is no blood relation between us, and I don’t want to make a mess of the family…

So what are your thoughts, any and all are welcome…
TheLC

On saying “No”

// June 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Life, Love Version 1

This is, in essence, another post in a line of them relating to the mess that I call a love life. After this one I’m going to try and get back to my normal posting routine about the normal and mundane stuff that happens around here…

Now first it’s important to note that mom and dad have been gone since the 11th and are going to be back this weekend. Now with that said you know understand that I’m home alone looking after things.

Well after my last go around with my ex I sent this message to her through a text (June 8th): “I feel like I’m just a safety net to you, any time something goes wrong and none of your friends can help you with it, you call me. That’s about the only time you talk with me. If it’s anyone else, you have loads to say so I have no clue why you can never seem to talk to me… And then if I’m not being used as a safety net, I’m a person to play mind games with. So it will be hard for me but I’m done with you. You can’t see me as a friend, I don’t even think you can see me as a person. And I know darned well that you have no clue what you want. So good by… and be sure to leave me alone. And yes that includes asking me for help. I’m done being forgiving… Good Bye Ashleigh.”

After I sent that I went through and remove every trace I could find of her in my life, except our prom picture. I couldn’t believe I had well over one hundred pictures of her scattered around my flash drives and my desktop. Evey time I thought I found them all I found more… Well I finally passed out because I was afraid to sleep and dream which is unusual for me. then I get up the next day and out of the blue I get a text from her that simply says “call my mom”. Well I should have said no but I didn’t and I called her. I talked with her for a few minutes and out of the blue she says “I thought you weren’t talking with Ash” and I told her that I know that’s what I said but I have a hard time saying no. To which she replies that I need to learn.

Well not another day later and her mom calls me wanting to know if I’d be able to retrieve some files off of the hard drive out of the laptop that I couldn’t fix, and me being me, I said sure. Now that was the easy part. Well I started talking with her to find out when I could pick it up and it ended up involving her staying over for a night. (In retrospect, not the best idea, I know.) It made since though because I was going to be headed past her house on the way home that evening and then be heading past it on the way back to town the next day.

Well I picked her up and everything was fine but I noticed that she was acting like she did still have feelings for me… (but it could have been wishful thinking) Well the evening was uneventful and she got everything she needed copied off her old hard drive. We sat around, played a few games and watched a bit of tv. She did share her ice cream with me though.

Well she heads to bed and I follow her so I can talk to her about a few things, it’s easier to get her to talk to me after she gets tired… Well she’s laying down and I’m sitting next to her. I got done talking to her and she said that she was going to kick me out so she could get some sleep. Well I go to get up but she wouldn’t let go of my arm. Well she asks me indirectly to stay with her. Well I held her the rest of the night…

Well the next morning it was like nothing happened. But that night I sent her a text asking what she thought about that night and she told me to take it as I saw it. Well that ticked me off and I replied with “Quit with the mind games. I’m not a darn play thing for you to toy with. Just tell me what it was.”

It’s been several days and she still talks to me like nothing ever happened. I know I just need to say good bye and move on but it’s harder to do then it seems. I need to start telling her no, because even if there is still something there, I don’t think it’s worth trying to save unless she starts telling me how she feels… I try to live in the past, put up with the present, and dread the future…

TheLC